How To Ruin A Perfectly Good Year

In order to ruin a perfectly good year, you will need to get a few things in place. 

The first item is to make sure you have a crazy morning routine. Wake up late, don’t eat, roll into school with no plans (and almost no gas), and continue the day in a mode of reaction. This will result in a roller coaster of emotions and frustration that will take you directly to feeling completely out of control and ineffective. Both of which are lies, but you will continue to believe it because you will often be short of breath and want to throw up. And the best part is you can repeat it each and every morning for over 100 days. 

The second is make sure you have no down time built into your day. Down time is that time that is not filled with lesson planning, talking to colleagues, or surfing the internet. It’s the time that helps you focus and clear your mind. And yes, surfing the internet actually stimulates your brain so it cannot count as downtime. It’s uptime. But, if you really want to train wreck your days, increase your social media and general internet time, and you will most likely begin to feel gross and angry in direct proportion to time spent online.

A third way to really make this year tough is to do absolutely zero meal planning. Continue to talk about how you hate to cook, live off snack bars and lattes, and be sure to eat the school food. This will ensure your body will literally fight for its life amidst the salt, sugar and fat racing through your veins. Most likely, when you leave school each day you will be hungry enough to eat a walrus. Instead of eating that walrus, your body will be so tired you might just pour wine (or beer or bourbon) and then eventually forget you were hungry anyway. I mean, technically alcohol is from natural sources, so it counts as your fruits and vegetables, right?

And definitely do not get any exercise. Exercise would help calm your brain and clear your thoughts, so if you want to really ruin things this year, make sure you don’t move your body in a yoga class or even walk slowly around the block. Just sit. Sit in your chair, at work, sit in your car as often as possible, and for goodness’ sakes sit on the couch as soon as you get home. You could join a club for sitters. Maybe you could find one on the internet.

Finally, make sure you don’t get enough sleep. Go to bed at all different times every day so your body feels like it is jet-lagged. And, if you wake up in the night, be sure to get on your phone and surf the internet or better yet, just worry. Lay there in a state of constant anxiety considering all the things you said or did that could be misconstrued in the light of day. Make sure you don’t actually do anything about these worries… just keep letting them roll around in your head until you are on the verge of tears because it is time to get up. (See morning routine above for maximum frustration.) 

So really the best way to ruin your school year is not to have the worst kids in the worst school ever. The real key to derailing your year is to set absolutely no boundaries. Don’t set them for yourself or others and enjoy a day of chaos from sunup to sundown and start all over again. 

You can thank us later for the advice. We heard it from a friend.