Make 'em Behave
From the desk of Carol C…
“Don’t kick that wall again!”
“Why can’t you walk in a line without talking?”
“What is it about ‘clean up your room’ that you don’t understand?”
“You don’t even try.”
Anybody who has dealt with children of any age will recognize the statements above or something like them. We’ve all asked rhetorical questions, been critical/sarcastic, and overused the word “don’t” with children. Really it’s no wonder we keep seeing the same behaviors repeatedly.
So what should we do to extinguish inappropriate behavior with at least some success? Be reasonable but leave as many negative words out of our vocabulary as possible when we’re talking to our children. Go for the positive and tell children what behavior we are expecting. Many times they know what not to do but are unsure of what to do. We take for granted they know. They have to be taught and see the behavior modeled.
Look back at the reprimands at the beginning of this blog. Here’s how they might be changed into constructive statements. “Greg, please keep your feet still, so we can keep the wall clean.” “Marcia, please walk down the hall silently, so we can get to playpark on time.” “Peter, please clean up your room, so we’re able to read Love That Dog tonight.” “Jan, please put forth your best effort, so you’ll be able to master equations more quickly.”
What a difference in the language! When we address children by name and say “please”, we are showing them respect and explaining why. Children who hear numerous negative remarks about their behavior tend to tune us out and continue the undesirable behavior. This makes us angry, the children resentful, and the situation turn into an argument; all of which we want to avoid. Again focusing on the negative gives too much attention to the unwanted behavior instead of the desired one.
Of course there must be consequences for inappropriate behavior. Sometimes it can be as simple as redirecting. At times, however, redirection may not be enough or appropriate. It is then we have to take a step further.
When disciplining children we need to “make the punishment fit the criminal’s age”. In other words take the child’s age into account. Different levels of maturity and children’s development stages dictate what appropriate disciplinary action is needed. When we do decide on the consequence for a behavior, the consequence needs to be reasonable and realistic. “You’ll not watch TV for the next six months.” In most all cases this is neither reasonable nor realistic. We know along with our children that these are empty threats which will never be enforced. A more effective consequence might be: “You are not allowed to watch TV from Friday morning until Monday morning.” This is reasonable and realistic, and we have temporarily taken away something that matters to our child.
The other really important part of giving consequences for an action is consistency is the key. When we let down our guard and give in, (so easy to do when we’re tired) we send mixed messages to our children. The possibility of a consequence becomes akin to spinning the roulette wheel. Maybe it comes up on the number we want and maybe it doesn’t. Most children think it’s worth the risk…that is continuing the same behavior.
In addition to all of the above, we need to enhance our children’s intrinsic motivation. How? By encouraging them to take an active part in our family. This might mean including them in decision-making and giving them responsibilities which demonstrate their capabilities. At school teachers need to explain the value of an activity clearly and succinctly. Children are more apt to tackle unappealing tasks when they understand the significance of them.
Now that’s a payoff for us and our children!